Cameron: Tax Cuts Anyone?

Did you see Cameron's speech today? Let's look at the content in greater depth for a moment.

Before Cameron came to the stage the Tories first rolled out a few PPCs to say, well, very little to the audience.

Of course, they weren't actually their to speak or be listened to, they were there to look "representative". (I.e. Not look representative of the wider Tory membership, but representative of the "real world".) A young person, a black person, a woman, a black woman (kudos to the person who combined those two facets together btw), a Scot, a Northerner who lives in Wales (damn it what happened to the Welshman we ordered?)...oh my how representative they are.

"I thought they were all old blue rinsers with twin-set and pearls like me. Gosh, I love that modern Dave Cameron and his wife", an old lady was heard to mutter.

Cue a long video telling us all how marvellous soldiers are, interspersed with pictures of Union Flags. Dave Cameron bursts onto stage like some half-arsed WWF wrestler to The Killers' All These Things That I Have Done, sadly not getting to the predictable line of "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier".

Cameron boldy states that "everyone is playing the same tune in the Tory Party", although "singing off the same hymn-sheet" may have been a better analogy for him to use. Ironically, the tune the Tory delegates are playing in their heads is not "All These Things That I Have Done" by The Killers - it is actually a rousing rendition of "Land of Hope and Glory".

Gives a quick assurance repeating his opportunistic yet unscripted appearance of the day before saying that he will work with the Government in the short-term to protect the economy. (But in the longer term he will be more than happy to offer unaffordable tax cuts that will screw the econom royally, he fails to add.)

Says the Tories need to tell the truth over Government mistakes and set out how they'd do things differently. Says the economic problems in the UK have been caused by the last 10 years of Labour Government. A nice touch, firstly by repeating the moronic idea that "a global economic down turn" has been caused by Gordon Brown (and not by global economic factors), undermining the short-term unity he had promised and also, as would turn out from the rest of his speech, no actual policies to show he would do things differently.

Cameron says the Tories have had "a sober Conference". This explains all those rumours about champagne being banned from many receptions and hotel bars so the delegates didn't seem triumphalist and a bit posh. Sadly when you are triumphalist and a bit posh by nature, even taking the champagne away won't really help that much.

Says this is a test to see if the Tories can respond to what the country wants and demands. Loosely translated as "we think the country wants and demands some tax cuts".

Cameron adds: "We are a nation at war!" Oh, I get all that stuff about the soldiers now. Very subtle of you. Perhaps you should have put on some old Dad's Army episodes during lunch too, just to ram the point home?

"Our brave soldiers are defending our freedoms in Afghanistan and Iraq"...can you see where this is going yet? And so we are going to increase defence spending, buy more equipment and improve accommodation, we need to stop treating them like "second class citizens". All fine except ironically the increase in defence spending will probably be funded in cuts to people they do believe to be "second class citizens" in this country. Of course the Tories could treat them like members of their own families and start treating soldiers as "upper class citizens" and pay for them all to have private education, private healthcare and feed them caviar and champagne (but not at Conference time, obviously.)

Says we should "let the Ghurkas live with us", although I don't think he actually means live with him and his family I think the Ghurkas should take him up on this and camp out on his front lawn.

Says these are times of "great anxiety" - referring yet again to how him and his mate Gideon "Call Me George" Osborne are so close to power (lovely, sweet smelling power) but could still cock it up if they get caught looking smug. It makes them so anxious they can't sleep at night, don't you know?

His values are "conservative values". No, really? I thought he was at the wrong Conference there for a moment. Says freedom is not just about freedom from oppression and freedom from state control. He is not a libertarian. Neither is he a librarian. Although he knows George Weah is a Liberian.

Says we need to encourage responsibility and discourage irresponsibility. (Unless you are thinking about some much needed tax cuts.)

Says you can't prove you can be a good Prime Minister. Although of course you could David, if you actually had some policies, and something to back up all your meaningless soundbites. You just choose not to.

Says it's more about who you are and what your values are. Ahh, we're going for personality politics! Brilliant, is this where he rolls out Sarah Palin to pout a bit? (Apparently not.)

He is 43 years old, married and a father of 3. And don't you forget it. If he was 54, unmarried and had no children that would make him totally unable to lead a country, wouldn't it? Family is the most important thing to him (he has 3 kids and a wife remember, that really is very important), but he is also passionate about his country. And the Union.

Says it would be easier for him not to be in favour of the Union of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland but he is in favour of it. A masterstroke here of seeming to be a Unionist, whilst still stroking the egos of the people who want to cut free from the rest of the UK. But why does he want the Union intact? Because he is proud of the UK, proud of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, as well as England? No, because he wants to be Prime Minister of the whole UK! (Power, power, power!!...Mhahhaha!...One more tax cut and this will all be mine...Mhahahaha!!)

He is not an idealogue, or a travelogue, or the artist formerly known as logue, no Cameron thinks pulbic service is good. (And public services are bad/unaffordable.) What we need, apparently, is strong defence, sound money and rule of law. Right up to "rule of law", he could have been talking about Watford football club.

(BTW, if any of the Tory front bench is reading this, football is a game a bit like polo but without the horses and the mallets.)

We want a clean and safe environment, quality of life as well as quantity of money. (Loosely translated...Money, money, money, a large quantity of sweet sweet money, mmm, yes you know you want it.) It's wrong so much of the world is poor...but, meh, we'll give you more money, so don't worry to much about it.

You need to build a strong team and entrust them - and thinking before deciding is good - go with your convictions because the right thing is always right. (Loosely translated...we think that Gordon Brown is a control freak, when he thinks before deciding we will accuse him of "dithering" and acting with your convictions is only right if you are agreeing with us, otherwise you are being arrogant.)

Cameron says Tony Blair took short-term decisions in a 24 hour media world, and this is a country not a TV channel. (Ho ho ho, how Cameron chuckled as he adjusted his tie and checked his reflection in the nearest TV camera's lens.)

Glosses over the whole "experience" issue by saying what matters more is "character and judgement". In other words, he really wishes you'd stop banging on about the experience thing because he doesn't have an answer for you, if he starts speaking about his experiences he'll have to mention his time working in the Treasury during the Black Wednesday collapse. Move along, nothing to see here.

Says "experience is the excuse of the incumbant to stop change...Thank God we swapped James Callaghan for Margaret Thatcher!" Ooh, Thatcher, I wondered when she'd rear her ugly head. Cameron and his pals are about the only people who still thanks God for Margaret Thatcher. If the experience of Cameron is anything like the experience of Thatcher we had to suffer, then I think I'd rather have James Callaghan, actually. On reflection, Harry Callaghan would be preferable, go ahead make my day.

"Under the experience argument", I thought you didn't want to talk about experience, oh well, if you insist, "Gordon Brown would be Prime Minister for ever." Er, except he wouldn't be. He'd be Prime Minister until he retired and handed over to someone else, like Blair did before him, but nevermind. "I won't go on, there are people on balconies up there", no, you won't go on because your reasoning is flawed and you are beginning to look like a total fool, but suggesting people might want to kill themselves over Gordon Brown's leadership (10 years of ongoing growth and investment until now, if you count the Treasury year) is rather ridiculous when compared to the amount of people who did actually kill themselves under the tenure of your great hero Margaret Thatcher, due to having no money, no home and no self esteem thanks to her policies.

"We have experienced his [Brown's] experience." Yes, and we have experienced Margaret Thatcher's too. Now run along. "Risk is not making change, it's sticking with what you've got and expecting it to change." So we know what to expect from the Tories and shouldn't go back to how things were in the 80s, thanks for clearing that up. I presume you are also campaigning against John McCain in the US too, are you?

"If you take the worng road you need to change direction." Yes, but you do not then decide to turn up a cul-de-sac that you'll never be able to escape from. "The borrowing tap wasturned on and left too long." Are we still on this road, or have we turned off the road into a bath? I'm confused. I think someone has left the metaphor tap on too long. "The asset price bubble would not last forever." Is that bubble in the bath, or not in the bath? Someone needs to turn off that metaphor tap before you drown yourself.

"There will be a day of reckoning for the bankers, but it is not today." And, I'm guessing it won't be during your time in office if you become Prime Minister either. The day of reckoning will be conveniently forgotten until Labour are back in office, and hopefully by then everyone will forget about the cock-ups of the banking sector, eh Dave?

Says giving interest rate decisions to Bank of England was best decision the Labour Government took (one that the Tories opposed btw), but taking their power to regulate was wrong. Ahh, so you want to ally yourselves with the good parts of the decision and pretend you were always against the bad stuff? How very Lib Dem of you.

"Labour changed the rules but took the referee off the pitch. It ended in tears." Seriously, you should see some of the refereeing decisions Watford have been on the end of this season...you'd cry too if you actually knew what football was.

"Gordon Brown is a spendaholic and the cupboard is now bare", yes, spending all that money on unnecessary things like public services and the like. How irresponsible of him. You know what, I think he's going to talk about "experience" again.

"I studied economics at a great university", oh, I'm glad it wasn't a poor university, your parents would have been so ashamed after all that money they had spent on your education in your formative years. "I have worked with entrepreneurs", so what, so have half the people on Dragons' Den. "I even worked in the Treasury during a crisis", see I told you he was going to mention it, he thinks it's funny now...well, it wasn't funny for the rest of us Dave. :-/

"Sound money, low taxes, limit debt, reign in borrowing"...apple pie, motherhood, Gordon the Gopher, GMTV, football, free Pimms for everyone. I know what you want.

"You know what that means, and the country knows what that means." Come on now, I slipped it in there, don't pretend you didn't hear me...TAX CUTS!! Free money for everyone, especially us!!

Now completely departs from reality, high on the delerium created by the mention of tax cuts possibly: "George Osborne's speech was the finest speech by a Shadow Chancellor ever given." Er, OK...if you think so. Possibly if you mean that he succeeded in not looking like a smug git during any of it, but now you've just made him look really smug listening to this praise, so you've totally stuffed that one up now. George is almost weeping with smug ecstasy, but it may well be just a desire to carry Dave's future off-spring in his tummy.

Dave makes a commitment to "get rid of useless quangoes". Nice of him, considering that so many of them were created in the 80s under his great hero Thatcher and her partner-in-crime John Major - Bill Roache's faourite Prime Minister, and incidentally he is in the audience lapping this up!

States that Shadow Ministers will review "every spending programme" and "deal with inefficiencies and cut spending". Surely serious politicians who want to be serious opposition or government figures should already be reviewing every spending programme? Does he mean cut inefficiencies and spending, or spending on services, you decide...but he needs to fund these tax cuts somehow. Will set up a Budget Responsibility Department, just to check that they are cutting spending/services.

"Change will help us cut taxes." I said CUT TAXES, what do I have to do, fly it from the back of a plane and write it in the sky for you? "We will get taxes down." T-A-X-C-U-T-S, what are you, deaf or something?

"I am a fiscal conservative, and so is George Osborne", actually I have heard them called f-ing conservatives before actually, perhaps he has the wrong end of the stick here?

"It's your money and we will give some of it back to you", tax cuts for all, and the rest of the money goes to our rich friends. Don't worry about that last bit.

"The real test is showing grit and determination to limit government spending, even in the face of protest and hostility", we are going to cut services and public funding just like in the 80s, and don't really care how much you protest because we'll do it anyway, says Cameron.

"That is the sort of Government I will lead", really? God save us all.

"People create jobs, not Government", what and Governments aren't run by people? Weird. "I go to bed with an entrepreneur every night", and will go to bed with the City every day when you are Prime Minister, "and I wake up with her every morning. She is my wife and I am very proud." Oh right, I had forgotten you had a family. I hope you haven't told David Willetts about her.

Cameron now goes off on one about a "magical" company, see magic does exist in Tory world, that is leaving the UK for Ireland. Under the Conservatives they will "deal with the complexity of business taxes". What can that mean?

"A Conservative Government would cut Corporation Tax by 3p", ahhh I see. Tax cuts for businesses! Wow! You see when you said you were the change, David, I didn't think you meant your party was going to be exactly the same as it always has. :-/

Rehashes his comments about stopping a third runway at Heathrow and stopping short haul flights. I can't be bothered rehashing my critique of it. But apparently this will "rebalance" the economy between the North and South of England (clearly we do not count other parts of the Union now, because they are not watching anyway). Great, so is that your idea for regeneration and supporting communities outside the South East? I am underwhelmed. Perhaps you should promise regional tax cuts?

Says Government is not just about how you react to crises, but how you improve public institutions and mending the "broken society". Now remember the "broken society" agenda trumpeted by former leader IDS have not been adopted as Tory policy, and remember if it exists it was predominantly caused by Thatcher in the 80s when she devastated entire communities - but most people do not think society is "broken". (As Peter Wheeler said at Labour Conference, our society has never been broken but "Thatcher had a bloody good go, didn't she?")

Accuses David Miliband of saying "unless Government is on your side you end up on your own". I feel a Cameroonian rant coming: "Under Labour you will have no family, no friends, no faith, no society. Just their laws and their arrogance. They can't run OUR country like that". Oh, it's YOUR country? I didn't realise the Tories owned it. And who said you can't have family, friends, faith or society under Labour? That is frankly the most ridiculous rant I have ever heard a Party Leader trot out.

"They treat people like children", I thought children were part of a family, but nevermind, "health and safety and human rights culture has infected every level of our lives". Infected? Lucky you have plans for the NHS then, I guess.

Claims that foreign exchange students can't stay with people unless the hosts have a CRB check, describes this as "nonsense". Protecting our own kids is one thing, but clearly he doesn't care about foreign ones. :-/

"We need to be more efficient when times are tough. And trust people." Public service cuts, because we trust people will want tax cuts.

"We need to get our house in order and repair our broken politics", broken society and broken politics, I guess that makes sense, though you are sounding like a broken record. Says the Tories will get rid of copper-bottomed pensions, plasma TVs and the John Lewis lists. I guess we'd better not mention that whole Derek Conway thing again. Says he will not just clear up Westminster but Europe too. Yes, guess we'd better not mention the Giles Chichester thing either.

Europe, Europe, Europe, do I have your attention. You know you hate Europe, we'll give you a referendum so you can decide you don't want to be in it. Labour promised a referendum on this (oh actually they didn't, did they, they offered a referendum on the Constitution didn't they, but as no-one remembers that I should be able to get away with this) and we will give you that referendum.

So is that a referendum on the Constitution that doesn't exist anymore - surely that is a waste of public money you should clamp down on - or a referendum on leaving Europe all together. I guess it doesn't matter when you just base these things on soundbites and prejudice.

Says NHS is in a really bad state due to 11 years of tinkering. Hmm, so all those new doctors, nurses, cuts in waiting times, new hospitals and new walk in centres were all just tinkering. I thought you used to moan about how much money we were wasting on it?

"They ripped out the soul of the NHS and replaced it with targets", ahh back to faith again. Are you sure we didn't magic it out?

Wants patients to have increased choice in local hospitals. Says Labour have "blown their chance with the NHS". And that "the Conservatives are the party of the NHS, and that is how it will stay.". Aye, right. So Labour created the NHS, put all the investment into improve it and the Tories ran it down in favour of private health plans - yes, I can see exactly what you mean. :-/

Says social reforms need to be as radical as Thatcher was at reforming finances. I wonder if they will be the same social reforms Thatcher managed to bring into many Northern communities?

Says people "who say we need plain speaking, tougher punishments, more prisons and tougher penalties" are partially right. "Mending broken society will take state money those people are right too" (more excuses for the state interferring in family life, you bet ya.), don't worry they'll probably just use tax cuts if they can.

"Today endless big state intervention are disappearing", definitely tax cuts by the sounds of it, "to tackle the causes and the symptoms".

"Families need help and support, they can be imperfect. I get the modern world. Family is the best welfare there is." In other words, I do not get the modern world and we are going to plough money into married couples if you like it or not.

"Business should support flexible working because businesses pay cost of family breakdown n taxes", and remember businesses we are cutting your taxes by 3p. Says he will reward marriage in the tax system, click here for my response to that tired argument, wants to reward commitment...until it's time for change, obviously.

Says schools give children second chance when families fail and that "Michael Howard was a good leader". Can't decide which of those arguments is more ridiculous.

Says he is a father of 3 young children. (Is he? He should have mentioned this before.) He worries about finding good schools for them. Really? I would have thought he could have afforded to pay for them to go to the school he went to all those years ago. Says there are not enough good schools in our towns and cities. Not like in Oxfordshire, eh?

Wants 1000 new academies with "real freedoms" from "state monopolies". So not the sort of school most of us went to then? I wonder who will own these schools? Wants to "declare war against those in education" especially those who want everyone to win or those who dumb down. Declare war? That's a bit harsh, but I guess we know where the increased spending is going.

Criticises President of Spelling Society for saying people should be able to spell words however they want. Says it is "wrong, spelt with a w". In the same way that "banker" is, I guess. Says he would sack the Standards and Curriculum Authority - yet more unemployment being promised by a Tory what a shock.

Says 1st ine of attack is strengthening families. The 2nd is reforming schools, but the "full battle is welfare reform", send in the commandos damn it, we paid for it!

Will end something for nothing welfare. Says if you don't take a job you will lose benefits. And if you still don't take a job, you will still lose benefits. (Er, what if you've already had your benefits taken away, will they be taken away again?) Says you will need to work to get benefits (so the only people who get benefits will be those who don't need them? Genius. Perhaps it's benefits for married people again?)

Describes Iain Duncan Smith as "inspiring" and says the Conservatives are "the party of social justice". Again I can't work out which of those statements is more ridiculous. Or who Cameron thinks was better, IDS or Michael Howard?

Wants to end child poverty with "radical welfare policy". Yep, sounds like tax breaks for married people again, doesn't it? Says dignity and aspiration are the victims of state failure. I wonder if 2 of his 3 kids are called "Dignity" and "Aspiration", it wouldn't surprise me.

Says he wants a progressive ends and Conservative means - that means he hopes his tax cuts help people who need help, but if not then so be it. Tries to show how progressive he is by mentioning there are now women in the Tory Party and some policies on the environment. Wow, should we feel grateful that you are finally hauling your backsides into the 21st Century?

Says "those who say we haven't changed, haven't changed themselves". The political equivalent of saying "he who smelt it dealt it". I thought he said it was Labour who treated people like children. Liar, liar, your bum's on fire.

"We have won our first by-election for 30 years, have a Metropolitan Council in the North East and we also have Boris Johnson as Mayor of London." Are any of those statements meant to impress me?

Says "I am the man with the plan, not a miracle cure". Hmm, I feel a separate blog post coming on that.

"Stick to your guns and don't bottle it when it matters", more fighting metaphors, is this going to be a military coup now? You are beginning to scare me.

"Leadership, character, judgement"...motherhood, apple pie, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Thatcher, can you hear me Margaret Thatcher, your boys took one hell of a beating..."faith in human nature to overcome difficulties, we always do because of the people of Britain and their determination. Families, job creation"...did I mention apple pie, tax cuts and family?

Better times will lie ahead. Thank you.

Cue smug smug smug smug George Osborne, smarming away at the thought of power, forgetting the cameras are still on him.)

So all in all, an OK speech. But would have been better had he mentioned tax cuts and his family a bit more. ;-)
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